Life is Awesome

I had a weird moment this weekend. I was sitting by the fireplace in a beautiful colonial house that was built in the 1700s in the middle of nowhere, New York at a book club with a bunch of old ladies, eating English scones and discussing the art of hawk training and how it relates to grief. I looked around and thought: “What the heck. How on earth did I end up here?” And then I just smiled, laughed inside, and thought, “This is awesome. Life is awesome.”

Because I’ve had this experience many times before…

Like when I was sitting in the back of a truck with my friend Julia driving with some Arab guys to the grocery store in a small suburb of Amman arguing with them in Arabic that we could not possibly eat any more.

Or after curling up in an Asian sleeper bus for hours because I was too tall to fit comfortably and then arriving at a tiny hostel in the most beautiful village I have ever been to only to knock my friend’s face wash off the counter and have to stick my hand down a Chinese squatter toilet to retrieve the bottle.

And then there was the time I danced with a bunch of Special Olympians in the middle of a stadium packed with thousands and thousands of people as fireworks exploded overhead and celebrities and Olympic athletes cheered from a stage not too far from me with cameras in all directions, a fanny pack around my waist, and a Jordanian flag in my hand.

Or walking down an orchard row with my best friends in the blazing summer heat of Central Washington while wearing rubber boots and a chemical resistant jumpsuit, singing Ke$ha songs and picking leaves from the apple trees in order to take them back to the laboratory, brush the leaves onto a dish, and identify and count the microscopic bugs to test for pesticide resistance.

SO many times throughout my life I ask myself, “How on earth did I end up here?”

Sometimes I try to analyze and understand how it all fits together and why my life is just a series of random events. It can be frustrating when nothing makes sense and I have no idea what on earth I’m doing. But then I just smile exactly where I am and think, “This is awesome. Life is awesome.” 

The Divine Nature of a Woman

In the LDS Church, we hear a lot about divine nature. 

I've always had a hard time reconciling the inherent divinity within us as children of God when we are also taught that "the natural man is an enemy to God" (Mosiah 3:19) and "because of the fall our natures have become evil continually" (Ether 3:2). 

I've also been thinking a lot about gender and what exactly is the distinctive qualities and role of a woman.

So, I've spent the last month or so studying the divine nature of womanhood and asking people about it. I talked to some of my favorite women in the world, and this is what I've learned. 

"I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny." - Jeffrey R. Holland

My Sister - Kamry

"We are literal descendants of a divine Father, and because of that we have divine potential."

"Knowing my divine nature shapes my decisions overall. It gives me a desire to improve and want to be better." 

“Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth.” - Gordon B. Hinckley

My Cousin - Mattie

"Divine nature is the best qualities within us. It's what Heavenly Father sent us with so we could make it through life. It's our sacred connection to heaven."

"Being a woman is the best! I feel like Heavenly Father wants us to make sure everyone feels cared about and to give people hope."

"I don't really distinguish between mother and woman. You can mother without having your own kids."

My Sister - Sierra

"Divine nature is knowing who you are and that you're loved."

"Knowing my divine nature is really important at high school. There are so many voices telling me who to be and how to look, but it doesn't matter. I am confident because I know my divine nature."

"You can’t live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people’s opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. … The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self—[the real you.]" - Jeffrey R. Holland 

My Best Friend - Allie

"Divine nature is knowing that we are daughters of Heavenly Father. It's knowing we are important to Him."

"Knowing who I am has helped me see where I'm supposed to be going. It has helped me choose a spouse who will help me get where I want to be."

"I wouldn't want to be a man. I just love being a woman."

"It is precisely because the daughters of Zion are so uncommon that the adversary will not leave them alone." – Neal A. Maxwell

My Sister - Lynsey

"Divine nature is the inner-most part of you that no one can get to, but God."

"Knowing your divine nature is huge! Because I know of my divine nature, I never feel that I am unworthy of love and I don't have to apologize for who I am."

"Men and women are so complimentary, which I've seen so much since being married."

 "Motherhood is the reason I am here, it's my purpose."

"But as women, the roles of wife and mother are in the center of your souls and cry out to be satisfied. Most women naturally want to love and be loved by a good man and to respond to the God-given, deepest feelings of womanhood—those of mother and nurturer." - James E. Faust

My Mommy

"We have the potential to have all the qualities of our Heavenly Father."

"Divine nature gives you hope that you have help from somewhere. You're not just on your own."

"We don’t need women who want to be like men, sound like men, dress like men, drive like some men drive, or act like men. We do need women who rejoice in their womanhood and have a spiritual confirmation of their identity, their value, and their eternal destiny." - M. Russell Ballard

My Sister - Tessa

"Divine nature is knowing that God is with me."

"Indeed, in the restored light of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a woman, including a young woman, occupies a majesty all her own in the divine design of the Creator." - Jeffrey R. Holland

My Grandma - Joyce

"I think I was born knowing of my divine nature. I've never doubted I am a daughter of God. I believed what my mother told me and I've grown up knowing it."

"It gives me a desire to get back and live with my Heavenly Father. I don't want to stray and I want to keep the commandments."

"I love being a woman, I just do."

"We men simply cannot nurture as you nurture. Most of us don’t have the sensitivity—spiritual and otherwise—that by your eternal nature you inherently have. Your influence on families and with children, with youth, and with men is singular. You are natural-born nurturers." - M. Russell Ballard

My Sister - Shayla

"Divine nature is trying to see myself with spiritual eyes."

"When we remember our divine nature, the little things don't matter. We don't need praise for doing good, and we don't need attention from the world."

"Because it is their nature to give and please others, many women do not realize their intrinsic worth. That loss makes them vulnerable to those who would convince them that their major role is to be physically appealing." - Richard G. Scott

My Best Friend - Heidi

"We are daughters of God. We have His image in our countenance."

"Knowing does affect the way I act. I know of the Atonement. I know that God watches me and is aware of what I do, and that makes a difference.

"I'm glad I'm a woman. We get to like guys, so that's not too bad..."

My Aunt - Debbie

"Divine nature is knowing within me I have a spark of divinity. It's about the possibilities."

"There are a bazillion ways to make that spark useful for you and for those around you." 

"The older I get, the more I see that being a mother is the greatest thing you could do or be. I feel adored by my children."

My thoughts...

It has always been easy for me to see divinity within others. Understanding my divine nature has taken more effort, but God has blessed me with occasional glimpses of how He sees me, and that view has changed everything.

"One of the sweetest messages the Spirit will relay is how the Lord feels about you. And that reassurance will strengthen you in a way that almost nothing else can." - M. Russell Ballard

Humans are fallen, but we're not worthless, evil creatures. I think in my mind I have been overly degrading human nature.

I now understand that our divinity and worth as women, and as human beings, is simply because of our capacity to become like God. 

As we seek to understand who we really are, our actions and our lives become an extension of divinity. We overcome the human temptations and deceptions of mortality. We become like God.

I believe that is the essence of true beauty - living with the knowledge of who you are, living as a goddess. I think the women listed above are the most beautiful people in the world for that reason.

I love being a woman. I still don't understand the inherent differences between men and women, but I know that there exists within me a distinct femininity and spiritual sensitivity. I know that God wants me to be nurturing, compassionate, and pure. I have inherent tendencies and desires. I was born to be a mother, and I'm not ashamed or afraid of that role (anymore). 

I know that I am a daughter of God. 

I know that God loves His daughters and has a particular role for them in His plan.

We are of worth.

We are divine.

And we are freaking awesome.

Amen. 

Am I inspired or am I just crazy?

So, some days I wake up in a panic, thinking about all my life choices and doubting everything. Why did I learn Arabic? Why am I in New York right now? Are my decisions inspired by God or am I just making it all up? Does it even matter?

And many days I can’t help but thinking, “I am crazy.”

So one day this week I was particularly frustrated about everything. I prayed for specific guidance and answers to a few questions that I couldn’t get out of my head.

I randomly opened up the Book of Mormon and started reading.

The Book of Omni. 

Hmm, “I probably won’t find anything relevant here.”

But I was wrong.

First gem:

“For the Lord would not suffer, after he had led them out of the land of Jerusalem and kept and preserved them from falling into the hands of their enemies, yea, he would not suffer that the words should not be verified, which he spake unto our fathers…” (Omni 1:6)

Essentially: the Lord didn’t lead you this far (out of Jerusalem, across the ocean, through war after war) to let you fail. 

He hasn’t guided me through years and years of schooling, service, and employment to let me fail.

Later in the chapter Amaleki speaks of Mosiah, who was warned to flee out of the land into the wilderness and was led to the land of Zarahemla. This got me thinking about all the prophets who were directed to do something.

Lehi was told to leave Jerusalem.

Abraham was told to kill his son Isaac.

Joseph Smith was told to go to a hill and find gold plates.

And Nephi was told to kill Laban.

I’m sure all of these prophets must’ve, at one point, thought they were crazy. Nephi doubted that the prompting to kill Laban was really revelation from God, how could it be? It’s a commandment, “Thou shalt not kill.”

But it really was the Lord who spoke to His servants throughout the scriptures, they weren’t crazy. We see that clearly in retrospect.

One day everything will make sense to us. We simply need to learn how the Holy Ghost speaks to us and then trust in that.

“…Believe in prophesying, and in revelations, and in the ministering of angels, and in the gift of speaking with tongues, and in the gift of interpreting languages, and in all things which are good; for there is nothing which is good save it comes from the Lord…” (Omni 1:25)

“…I also know that as many things as have been prophesied concerning us down to this day have been fulfilled, and as many as go beyond this day must surely come to pass.” (Words of Mormon 1:4)

AND, this is really cool: the sword of Laban was passed down from one prophet to the next throughout the Book of Mormon (2 Nephi 5:14, Jacob 1:10, WOM 1:13, Mosiah 1:16) and even to Joseph Smith (D&C 17:1). I think it served as a reminder that Nephi wasn’t crazy, he needed to kill Laban and that was revelation from God. The sword of Laban is a reminder that when the Lord speaks, His servants can fully trust in His guidance and direction. He won’t let you fail.

Moral of the story: I’m not crazy!

I think. I hope. 

F A M I L Y 2 0 1 5

This year was unique in that I got to spend a lot of time at home and with my family. 

One thing I've learned is that spending quality time with loved ones is never a waste of time. 

Here is our 2015 family video highlighting all our weirdness and adventures:

Family 2015

Also, this Christmas was hilarious. First we all did our hair weird for some reason and caroled to the neighbors and some people that showed up at our house. 

Then it was our first Christmas Eve without little kids. So naturally we all squeezed into costumes that used to fit. 

The wisemen were real classy: Kamry is wearing my old hip-hop dance costume, Sierra is wearing a fortune-teller Halloween costume, and I have no idea what Tyler is wearing.

The angel, Joseph, and Mary, wearing robes made for 5-year-olds.  

I am always the donkey. 

Shepherd Shayla. 

Yeah, my family is pretty great. 

At the end of this year I am especially grateful for the blessing of family and the memories created. You will never regret the time invested in these relationships, they really are the ones that matter most.